Table of contents:
• Is it possible to co-parent with a narcissist?
• How can NPD affect a co-parenting arrangement?
• Why it is crucial to put in place an unambiguous parenting plan in place
• If disputes occur, how to resolve such differences of opinion ambically
Is it possible to co-parent with a narcissist?
The short answer to this question is yes. However, that answer does come with some large caveats.
Co-parenting with a narcissist can often be challenging, and you will need to put in place more “guard rails”.
What we mean by this is, as you will most likely be aware, people who have narcissistic personality disorder often seek to control and influence others.
Your newfound freedom post-divorce may well be cause of deep resentment and even anger that your former partner holds towards you.
Therefore, they could be simmering away in the background. Given the opportunity, they may look to retake and seek control over you anyway possible. They may, therefore, try to make everything but plain sailing for you.
For example, a holiday you may have planned well in advance may be put on hold as they come with a string of excuses for why they can't see your children that week.
That’s just one example that a narcissist may come up with an idea to “throw a spanner in the works” if they do not believe they are getting their way.
You have to be diligent in seeking the right legal advice
Your parenting plan needs to be as water-tight as possible because otherwise, you enter the “grey area” of ambiguity.
In this grey area, it's left open to interpretation as to what should happen.
When you are dealing with a narcissist, it's best to limit these “grey areas” of ambiguity and replace them with clear-cut, robust agreements that make it extremely hard to dispute what’s been agreed in black and white.
They will be creative, seeking to circumvent your “guard rails.”
Yet, there are steps to help you move forward on a footing that allows you some more comfort and peace of mind.
Your ex is precisely that, “an ex,” and the next step is to keep their control at arm's length over your new life while acting in the best interests of your children.
How does narcissism affect co-parenting?
Throwing a spanner in the works and refusing to be flexible
If your former partner feels they can exert any control over you, disrupting that holiday with a new partner, they may do just that.
If they can make you drive a long distance, then change the plans at the very last second, citing an excuse, they may well do just that.
Total lack of empathy
Sometimes, the children are used to fuel acrimonious feelings held between the partners.
Therefore, the children are often used as messengers for a narcissistic partner to put across messages they wish to communicate. An example could be “that they plan on moving abroad,” yet they may not intend to.
Therefore, within your parenting plan, we would recommend putting in place conditions where meetings are held with your appointed lawyers if changes are made to the parenting plan.
Perhaps you will cite that both sides will use collaborative law as the negotiation method. This may help a former partner avoid constantly changing and modifying the agreement if they know they must proceed through a series of meetings before such substantial changes can be made visitation rights.
Competing for attention
Sometimes, a narcissist will spend on lavish gifts and presents that one partner cannot afford.
They may accompany this with a message that the children do not want to return home on a specified date and want to remain longer at their home. This is with the aim of sometimes annoying their former spouse and potentially changing their travel plans at the last available moment.
Again, these situations need to have agreements placed in the parenting plan. Direct negotiation and solicitor involvement is recommended if the parenting plan is not honoured.
Here is our best advice when co-parenting with a narcissist:
Clear boundaries regarding communication
We recommend that you do not use your main phone and apps, such as WhatsApp, as a method of direct communication.
These give a gateway for your partner to contact you when they like, communicating what they want, which often causes distress as they seek to regain control over your life.
We would, therefore, recommend setting up a dedicated e-mail account solely used for communication with your partner.
Consider also doing the same for a separate phone number, perhaps on a “dumb phone”, so they can only call when that phone is switched on.
During the remainder of the time, they cannot contact you, yet when you need to be available when you choose to be.
E-mail should be the primary method of communication between contact arrangements. A dumb phone could be used to communicate between pick-ups and drop-offs when your on the move.
Therefore, the narcissist will have clear boundaries set in place so that they cannot contact you at a whim and potentially cause you distress.
Parenting plan
A parenting plan needs to be put in place, specifying everything from arranging neutral drop-off points to how communication should take place and how holidays will be arranged. There should be suitable notice periods if the specified plan changes.
You will know your former spouse better than almost anyone, so you need your direct input when drafting this custom parenting plan.
For example, if you believe your former partner will cause distress and raise augments at your address, particular attention should be paid to arranging neutral drop-off and collection points.
Perhaps it would be more convenient to arrange pick-up/drop-off outside police stations or other public places?
Keep communication in the written form where possible
Try to keep all communication in writing, preferably via e-mail. This way, if your former spouse becomes unreasonable or exhibits controlling behaviour, you will have a log of this to potentially show the family courts at a later date.
Apply to the courts to make the parenting plan legally binding
Once you have worked with your family lawyers to craft your bespoke parenting plan, you should present this to the family courts to make it legally binding.
What if my former partner fails to keep to the parenting plan?
We recommend solicitor-led negotiation takes place at the earliest opportunity with the help of your appointed family lawyers.
Often, both sides will not want to dispute or go to court, as the cogs that turn the legal system move very slowly.
Instead, direct negotiation can take place with your solicitors present.
If you were to ask which method of solicitor-led negotiation can work exceptionally well when dealing with a narcissist, we would recommend “collaborative law”.
Collaborative law is when both sides appoint collaboratively trained lawyers, and all negotiations occur together, sitting around a table.
This means that your narcissistic partner will often be more restrained and may try to exhibit less controlling behaviour when you are in the presence of both side's solicitors.
Direct communication via a solicitor letter is possible; however, dealing with a narcissist via letter can be a slow process as they may well be more inclined to drag the process out and again show that they can try to control the negotiations.
Seek expert guidance and support
Negotiating a parenting plan with a narcissist can bring in a new level of extra complexity that needs to be worked through. This means that your family lawyers often have to work extra hard to remove, as far as reasonably possible, those “grey areas” that your partner may wish to use to create further disputes later on down the line.
AJFL is an established family law practice in Cardiff. We can consult with you in person or remotely via video link to offer you advice at a time best suited to you.
